How to Prepare for the Sailing Season
Published on May 3rd, 2017
This list of exercises, which Scuttlebutt originally published in 2003, is still a pretty good way to prepare yourself for the sailing season:
1. Buy a case of beer, sit with it in a very warm place for a few hours, then drink it.
2. Apply sunscreen to your face in streaks and sit in front of a sun lamp for 2 hours.
3. Sit on a bench with large metal fixtures cutting into your legs, stare straight up into the sun for two hours – for a more robust workout: invite 4 friends to come over and yell at you the whole time.
4. Go out and get very drunk, sleep 4 hours, then stand on a rocking chair for 6 hours.
5. Go to bank and withdraw $1,000 – then light it on fire.
6. Sit in front of a commercial fan and have someone throw large buckets of salt water on you.
7. Repeat number 6 in jeans and a sweatshirt and /or repeat number 6 with head turned sideways to ensure water lodging fully into ear drum.
8. Cut limb off nearby tree, tie ropes to it, stand on rocking chair with tree limb and ropes – hold them over your head for 3 hours… at 5 minute intervals drop on your head – more robust version: have friends yell at you in 6 minute intervals.
9. Set your wrist watch to 5-minute repeating counts … let it go off all day long.
10. Pour cold water in your lap and give yourself a wedgie, now alternate between sitting and running around bent over.
11. Tie ropes between 2 trees – push your body against them as hard as you can for 6 consecutive hours – don’t stop for pain or bruising.
12. Place sandpaper on your stairs, crawl up and down on your knees for several hours.
13. Make 12 sandwiches on white bread with bad meat and cram them into a bread bag – eat one a day for 12 consecutive days… make sure the last one is peanut butter and jelly if preparing for Race Week.
14. Tie ropes to rear bumper of friend’s car, hold on tightly, but allow rope to slip through fingers as car drives away – TIP: works best with nylon fiber ropes, lengths in excess of 50′.
15. Upon completion of previous 14 drills – sit down and drink 14 Mount Gay Rum drinks, any flavor.