Scuttlebutt: Battle of Trafalgar 2005

provided by John Harwood-Bee (author unknown)

NELSON AND HARDY

�Order the signal to be sent, Hardy�

�Aye, aye, Sir�

�Hold on, that�s not what I dictated to the Signal Officer! What�s the meaning of this?�

�Sorry, sir?�

�England Expects Every Person To Do His Duty, Regardless Of Race, Gender, Sexual orientation, Religious persuasion or Disability. What gobbledegook is this?�

�Admiralty policy, I�m afraid, sir. We�re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil�s own job getting �England� past the censors, lest it be considered racist.�

�Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.�

�Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated as smoke-free working environments, sir.�

�In that case, break open the rum ration�let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men for battle!�

�The er- rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It�s part of this Government�s policy on binge drinking!�

�Good Heavens, Hardy. Well, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead!�

�Er, I think you�ll find that there�s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir.�

�Damn it all, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the masthead, please!�

�That won�t be possible, sir.�

�WHAT?�

�Health & Safety have closed the masthead, sir. No harness. And they said the futtock shrouds don�t meet regulations. They won�t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding has been erected.�

�The get the ship�s carpenter on to it without delay, Hardy!�

�He�s too busy, sir. Knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo�c�sle, Admiral.�

�Wheelchair access? I�ve never heard anything so absurd!�

�Health & Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled, sir.�

�Differently abled? I�ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn�t rise to the rank of Admiral by playin� the disability card!�

�Actually, sir, you did : the Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.�

�Whatever next? Order full sail, the salt spray beckons!�

�A couple of problems there too, sir. Health & Safety won�t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets, and they don�t want anyone breathing in too much salt .. haven�t you seen the adverts?�

�I�ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.�

�The men are a bit worried about actually shooting at anyone, Admiral.�

�WHAT? Is this a Mutiny?�

�It�s not that, sir. It�s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There�s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone and everything like hawks.�

�Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?�

�Actually, sir. We�re not...�

�We�re not�?�

�No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European Partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn�t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.�

�But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil!�

�I wouldn�t let the ship�s diversity coordinator hear you saying that, sir. You�ll be up on disciplinary.�

�You MUST consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King!�

�Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now, put on your Kevlar vest, sir; it�s the rules.�

�Don�t tell me, Hardy � Health & Safety again, eh? Whatever happened to rum, bum, backy and the lash?�

�As I explained sir, rum and backy are off the menu. And now there�s a ban on corporal punishment as well.�

�What about bum?�

�I believe it�s to be encouraged, sir.�

�In that case... kiss me, Hardy.�