My Best Girlfriend Ever

Since boats are commonly refer to as the female gender, Dave Nestel takes it one step further in this editorial shared in the April 2018 SpinSheet magazine.

I was talking with a new non-boating friend who wanted to know what kind of boat I owned. I opened my wallet where I keep a picture of my boat under sail to show people what a Windrider trimaran looks like.

My friend said that I looked so happy in the picture, that maybe this boat was more like a girlfriend to me. I was so surprised by that comment that it got me thinking about my boat in “girlfriend” terms and contrasting her with my three “high maintenance” human girlfriends that by all measures were not nearly as much fun.

Dave Nestel

After I thought about how I used her in “boyfriend” terms, I immediately began feeling guilty. In order to assuage this horrible feeling and perhaps take corrective actions so that she won’t leave me like my human girlfriends did, I thought I should start by confessing to what I’ve done since the beginning of our “relationship.”

I came up with a surprisingly long list of what I did to her over the past nine years, and then tried to categorize my actions by the seriousness of the bad behavior from a female’s perspective. After reading these lists, even from a male’s perspective, it is obvious that I must apologize for what a rotten boyfriend I think I have been!
———
13 Minor Bad Boyfriend Behaviors
1. I make her stay outside year round in the worst of weather without any protection.
2. I keep her tied down to a trailer so she won’t go away.
3. Sometimes, I don’t pay attention to her for weeks on end.
4. I make her go out in 90-degree weather for hours on end and don’t care that she is hot.
5. I put her bottom in 35-degree water and don’t care that she is cold.
6. I jump aboard her with dirty boots and wet clothing.
7. I frequently spill hot, cold, or alcoholic beverages on her top and never clean her off.
8. I clean her with a pressure washer at the most powerful setting.
9. I always take her where I want to go.
10. I always force her to do what I want to do.
11. I slammed her into a dock once and blamed it on her.
12. I drag her bottom up and down the beach over sticks, stones, seaweed, and dead fish.
13. I only buy her used stuff unless I absolutely have no other choice, and then complain for days about how expensive her needs are.

Five Somewhat More Troubling Acts for Boyfriends
1. I have allowed and admittedly even encouraged complete strangers to take her out.
2. I have gone to every boat show with the sole purpose of replacing her.
3. I will readily tell my fellow sailors her shortcomings while standing right next to her.
4. I constantly brag about how “fast and easy” she is and offer to let them see for themselves.
5. Once I strapped her to a trailer and dragged her down the highway in order to get her some much needed cosmetic surgery because I was embarrassed by the way she looked.

Four Completely Repulsive Boyfriend Behaviors
1. I make sure that I tell everybody about our age difference: she is 19, I am 66.
2. Three years after beginning my relationship with my “girlfriend,” I bought one of her sisters that by all measures, was much prettier. I used her instead of my “girlfriend” for quite a while and sold her to a complete stranger on Craigslist after she didn’t perform as well as I thought she would.
3. Having another seemingly bright idea a few years later, I bought another one of her sisters. I sold her on Craigslist to another complete stranger when I learned that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t use them both at the same time.
4. Last fall, I bought another sister just because she had a better shaped bottom. Having already learned from #3 above, I dragged her into my basement, stripped everything off of her, and laid her on the cold concrete floor. I’m keeping her there in the dark just in case I get tired of my current “girlfriend.”
———
If you read this story from a female’s perspective and were upset, angry, or even enraged, I wanted to let you know that I’ve just returned from delivering a heartfelt apology to my “girlfriend.” I told her that I love her deeply, and I made a solemn promise to treat her better in the future. I even asked her to tell me what she wanted me to change. You can’t imagine the level of relief I felt when she didn’t say anything!

This story is dedicated to my new non-boating friend whose uncanny insight helped me to realize that my Windrider Sailboat is truly my best girlfriend ever.

About the Author: Dave Nestel logged 240 days on the water in 2017, with his wife Sandy having lived with his boating addiction and sense of humor for 45 years.