Who Reads What and Why
Published on July 26th, 2013
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time …and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
The Key West Citizen is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
And so that Canadians don’t feel left out…
The Vancouver Sun is read by people who like to keep up with all the tree-hugging protests in Canada and think they run the country.
The Calgary Herald is read by people who like to keep up with all the tree-hugging protests in British Columbia that may interfere with the oil sands project and who know they run the country.
The Winnipeg Free Press is read by people who like to keep up with the weather.
The Toronto Globe and Mail is read by people who use the newspaper as a blanket when they can’t get into a homeless shelter at night.
The Ottawa Citizen is read by Ottawa Senator fans only who look up hockey scores only.
The Montreal Gazette is read by Quebecers scouring the “Help Wanted” ads for jobs in Alberta.
People from New Brunswick, P.E.I. and Nova Scotia read any of the newspapers previously listed that were accidently left behind by tourists.
People from Newfoundland get newspaper delivery a half an hour later than any one else in Canada so they could care less what is written because it’s always “old news” when it gets to them anyway.