Why the Great Lakes are Better than the Ocean

Published on July 28th, 2015

While the spotlight on the sport tends to shine brighter on the oceans, here are 10 reasons why the Great Lakes are better…

1. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink
Oh, so you live on the ocean …hope you don’t get thirsty. Short of a having a billion-dollar desalination plant nearby, you’re screwed. All that water and you can’t drink any of it, and once your fresh water reserves run out… well, that’s going to be one damn expensive irrigation trench you’re going to have to dig to the Great Lakes. Better build yourself a war rig and strap a heavy-metal guitarist to the front, because you’re about to enter some crazy Mad Max times.

2. Really good water means really good beer

There’s a reason that some of the best beer in the country is coming out of the Great Lakes region: it’s being made with some of the best water IN THE COUNTRY. Michigan isn’t the Great Beer State for naught, and Wisconsin hoards all of its brews because they’re so damn good. Plus the other six Great Lakes states! (Calm it down New York, yes, you are pretty and special too.)

3. Fresh water isn’t stinky and crusty
So you know how when you go for a dip in the ocean and you come out covered in salt crust and with the distinct stench of rotting seaweed? Yeah, that doesn’t happen in the Great Lakes. The water may be colder, but it’s wonderfully clean.

4. You can still surf on the Great Lakes
Oh yes, there are waves. Get the wind from a certain direction and you’ll have plenty to pop up on a plane and get your giggle on. And when bashing upwind, open your mouth when a wave breaks over the bow. Refreshing (see #1)!

5. There are no hurricanes, tsunamis, or typhoons…
… and the rare earthquake is no more than a barely perceptible tremor. The most frequent and most severe earthquakes occur in or near ocean trenches. No ocean = no major earthquakes. Math! Also, with earthquakes come tsunamis. No ocean = no earthquakes = no tsunamis! Also no hurricanes, no typhoons, and no cyclones, because those too are the ocean’s burden. The Great Lakes region gets high windstorms and the occasional tiny tornado, but even then it’s certainly not Kansas.

6. No shark attacks!
Maybe you’ve heard that Jaws is currently alive and well off North Carolina? Or how about the recent Great White sightings just off the coast of Surfside, CA? Yeah, the worst you’re going to get in the Great Lakes are leeches. Annoying, for sure, but at least you can just pull them off.

7. Lake storms are a wonder to watch (and not at all life-threatening!)

If you’ve never watched a storm roll in over Lake Michigan at night, you haven’t really lived. Well, you have, but still it’s pretty wicked cool, and you’re missing out. Sure, the lightning pulls off the water, but it provides a good show while you’re drinking the fine beer (see #2)

8. Boats, boats, boats!
OBVIOUSLY, there are lots and lots of boats out on the ocean. Million-dollar sailboats, billion-dollar yachts, etc. But in the high-rent coastal ocean towns, boating is very much the domain of the really really really ridiculously wealthy. Not so in the Great Lakes, where middle-class weekend warriors want nothing more to do with their day than go out on their boat. And if you don’t have a boat yourself, you definitely have a friend who has a boat and, thus, get to reap all the benefits. Bottom line: in the Great Lakes, boating isn’t a luxury, it’s a lifestyle.

9. It gets humid, but not THAT kind of humid
Sure, it gets humid. But not, like, Hong Kong humid. Or Hotlanta humid. That’s the kind of humidity that blinds you because the sweat is streaming into your eyeballs and you feel like Tyrion Lannister is standing on your chest throwing back a flagon of wine and mocking you for choosing to live somewhere so goddamn insufferably humid, humid. Great Lakes humidity is NOTHING like that.

10. When the world runs out of water, the Great Lakes will be the new Holy Roman Empire
Together the Great Lakes comprise 21% of the planet’s surface fresh water by volume, and he who controls the water controls the future. We’re basically sitting on lakes of gold over here. Bitches, we will OWN you.


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