Ice Grows Safer With Each Beer Consumed
Published on February 7th, 2016
For those that embrace subfreezing temperatures, securing a good surface for icesailing requires both diligence and, apparently, a sense of humor. This report from the New England Ice Yacht Association goes into the archives of The Onion to share a timely satirical viewpoint…
According to a report released by researchers at the University of Minnesota, the layer of ice atop frozen lakes grows incrementally thicker and safer to venture out onto with each beer that an individual consumes.
“While the surface ice covering a lake may pose a very real hazard of collapsing under the weight of a sober subject, we discovered that this same ice becomes progressively more sturdy with each 12-ounce can of beer that a subject puts back,” said lead researcher Robert Piper, noting that the ice sheets atop lakes, as well as large ponds and certain rivers, could be rendered virtually impervious to cracking beneath a fully grown man provided he has consumed four or more tallboys, regardless of temperature or weather conditions.
“Our data clearly show that by collectively finishing a 24-pack of Keystone, Budweiser, or similar American-style lager, ice becomes so safe and stable that a whole group of buddies can walk out onto the lake as far as they want,” continue Piper. “In fact, you can go ahead and drive a fully loaded truck right on out there, no problem, as long as you and the boys drain a pony keg and the last of the Jack.”
Piper went on to confirm that, even in the highly improbable event that someone who has drunk a sufficient number of beers does happen to fall through the ice, the consumption of such beverages simultaneously heats the frigid subsurface lake water to a temperature at which one can be fully immersed for minutes at a time without any risk of hypothermia.
All kidding aside: We are constantly reminded that the “firm” surface we stand on, walk, skate, bike, sail, and sometimes park on is never completely safe. We all know this, enough said, but do remember safety in numbers can be a myth as reported by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.