New opinion declares yachts are people

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news. Here’s his latest effort:

Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas have stirred controversy by co-authoring a U.S. Supreme Court opinion declaring that yachts are people.

The sweeping opinion, which yachts’-rights organizations immediately hailed as “long overdue,” grants the luxury vessels the unlimited ability to entertain government officials on their decks in order to gain political influence.

“For decades, yachts have been tireless in their struggle to be treated like human beings,” Harland Dorrinson, the president of the National Council on Equality for Boats, said. “For them, this victory represents the end of a long, hard regatta.” – Full report