Evolution of the America’s Cup continues

Published on June 19th, 2021

As America’s Cup defender Team New Zealand sorts out how to organize the 37th edition, Andrew Gunn from STUFF media offers this satirical view of the event:

Emirates Team NZ has announced that the next America’s Cup will take place on land, in what is being billed as a thrilling head-to-head encounter where teams race against each other to mine bitcoins.

The change of format to competitive cryptocurrency manufacturing is the natural conclusion to a long progression away from the traditional sailing which once formed the basis of the America’s Cup competition, according to Team NZ spokesman Grant Dalton.

“Let’s face it, for some time now people have been saying that the America’s Cup is all about money. As the current holders of the Cup, we get to decide the format for the next contest. So we thought let’s go the whole hog and make it literally all about money.

“I mean, look at the foiling monohulls we came up with last time. They’re already about as far away from your old-time yacht as you can get while still touching the water, so we thought why stop there? Who needs water anyway?

“Cryptocurrency mining has everything: high tech, big money, bigger egos and the ever-present threat of legal action – it fits in perfectly with the ethos of what the America’s Cup has become. Get on board!”

The next location of the America’s Cup has yet to be determined but according to Mr Dalton is “likely to be somewhere where the locals are happy to throw in a lot more than 99 million dollars. Apart from that all we need is a big warehouse with power and air-conditioning where all the syndicates can set up their super-computers. Right now, we’ve got our eye on Luxembourg.”

When it was pointed out that Luxembourg is a little-known landlocked country, Mr Dalton replied that was his point.

“It’s your symbiotic relationship. Luxembourg gets to bask in the prestige of the America’s Cup. Everyone else gets the chance to make some serious money. And I literally mean make some serious money.”

Mr Dalton pushed back against concerns that watching computers process data to produce a form of currency invisible to the human eye may not be an ideal spectator sport.

“To be honest I’m not sure of the ins-and-outs of bitcoin-mining and what you actually get to see. But who cares? Back in the day no-one in New Zealand apart from diehard boaties could tell a tack from a layline and to be honest the whole thing looked as boring as all get out on TV. A couple of little triangles on a flat, grey surface.

“But we solved that by getting an animation company in to make flashy graphics and suddenly everyone was interested. We’ll do it with this too. Colourful lines and symbols, and we’ll bring Peter Montgomery back to give an over-excited commentary. ‘Go New Zealand! They’re absolutely coining it!’. People will be glued to their sets! Did I mention TV rights? Ka-ching!”

Mr Dalton concluded by saying there was a lot of hard work ahead, but hopefully he’d have the chance to take the odd break.

“I do like to get out in the old P-class sometimes. One hand on the tiller, the hull cutting through the water, the salt spray, the feeling of being at one with nature. I mean, that’s what it’s all about, really, isn’t it?”

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