Furniture reupholsters and turd herders to repair Olympic venue

Published on April 1st, 2015

Newport, RI (April 1, 2015) – It was announced today by Sailors for the Sea that a plan to clean up the sailing venue prior to the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro is now underway.

“Now that the water bottle litter problem at regattas in the USA has been fixed, and now that we know what coercive tactics work best,” explained Hilary Kotoun of Sailor’s for the Sea, “we’re going to Rio de Janeiro to fix their pollution and sewage problems before the world’s elite sailors all get sick and die there.”

Sailors for the Sea are able to partner with FEMA (and their unlimited supply of play money) by attaching a bill to pending legislation at the UN.

“We have hired dozens of reupholsters to recover the floating furniture and appliances reported to be obstacles in the racing areas,” explained Kotoun. “We have also rallied a small army of experienced ‘turd herders’ from municipal waste recovery facilities all over the USA, who are committed to cleaning up the beaches on the bay, just because The Girl from Ipanema deserves better than this!”

Kotoun went on to say, “The potential for this effort to become SFTS’s lasting legacy is truly tantalizing. Here we have a well-documented environmental disaster caused by a lack of government action, instead of a pleasure boater tossing an occasional apple core or banana peel into the water. We may have actually swerved into a useful and relevant purpose.”

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