Thoughts of separation – a confession

by David Roper, Points East magazine
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Though I didn’t want to tell my wife about what I’d been going through over the past year or so, I knew I couldn’t keep it from her forever. So, it was on the plane to her home state of Minnesota this summer when I finally decided to confess and tell her about my decision. I knew she’d be absolutely stunned. But before blurting it out, I gave it all one more round of careful thought and reflection.

So much had been invested over so many years. Yet, I thought about how things had changed, despite all of the good years. Now, there was something else each of us needed. Something I felt sure would be better for us both.

To make myself feel better before breaking the news, in confirming my decision, I thought about the strained years, the ones where there was so much stress over time and expenses allocated to the wrong places. I thought about the last twenty years and what time and aging had done to change how I felt. And I thought about the secrets I’d kept, the romance I’d held in my head about departing for some exotic place far away. Something I’d never done.

The kids were grown now, and I was semi-retired, working fewer hours. Was what I had now what was really needed? Hadn’t I made a real commitment, a real investment? Hadn’t we built something together? Was this really the time to cut loose? From year to year, making things just the way we wanted them to be, customizing together and then settling in. Yet now, well, now it wasn’t working as well. It was harder to keep the shine up, harder to keep things running the way they used to. It all just seemed bigger, harder to handle.

And then I thought, when I tell her, what if she just won’t let go? What if she fights back? What if the price for doing this is too high a one to pay? What if too much is lost by discontinuing our process of building memories the way we have. Also, we’d be changing our identities, and the perceptions of those who knew us. Others ­– friends, family – would be shocked. Twenty-one years was a long time. We’d settled in, knew each other’s needs, foibles, adjusted to some of the aggravations that came from years of wear and tear. – Full report